• There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers

    Chelsea Handler
  • I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around

    Chelsea Handler
  • Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family

    Chelsea Handler
  • Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home

    Chelsea Handler
  • My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for

    Chelsea Handler
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