• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is

    Ellen DeGeneres
  • I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her

    Ellen DeGeneres
  • Procrastinate now, don't put it off

    Ellen DeGeneres
  • The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble

    Ellen DeGeneres
  • Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot

    Ellen DeGeneres
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