• Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

    Lewis Black
  • Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe

    Lewis Black
  • Just relax and breathe through your ass

    Lewis Black
  • They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down

    Lewis Black
  • If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat

    Lewis Black
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