George Carlin

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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept

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The planet is fine. The people are fucked

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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid

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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity