Josh Billings

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The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust

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In the whole history of the world there is but one thing that money cannot buy...to wit--the wag of a dog's tail

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One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness

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There is one kind of laugh that I always did recommend; it looks out of the eye first with a merry twinkle, then it creeps down on its hands and knees and plays around the mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze of a candle, then it steals over into the dimples of the cheeks and rides around in those whirlpools for a while, then it lights up the whole face like the mellow bloom on a damask rose, then it swims up on the air, with a peal as clear and as happy as a dinner-bell, then it goes back again on gold tiptoes like an angel out for an airing, and it lies down on its little bed of violets in the heart where it came from

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the squeeky wheel gets the grease