Steven Wright

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room

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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny